I'm struggling more than I expected I would. My husband's parents left about an hour ago with our son for a few days at their place in Wiarton, while Luke and I get some much needed time to rest and reconnect. But I haven't been able to stop crying since they pulled away. When I said goodbye at the car he reached for me and started to cry, and I just had to smile and quickly get it over with - I knew it wouldn't do anyone any good to draw it out and get him hysterical for the car-ride. It broke my heart that he reached for me and I couldn't go to him. I feel so guilty that he can't understand it all yet, and I worry that he's going to be scared without at least one of us with him. This is the first time we've left him with anyone for more than a few hours, and I can't believe how much I miss him already. I already looked at some pictures of him on my Facebook profile, and the tears just poured down my face. I feel like such a drama queen, but honestly, knowing that he can't totally understand what's happening, and worrying that he'll be upset, waiting for us, and wondering why we aren't showing up... it's almost too much. I feel like I want to call my in-laws and tell them to turn around....
I know in my head that once I'm out of his immediate thoughts, he will be fine (he probably settled down quite quickly, actually), and that he won't be up there stressing out every minute or anything. It's the "mommy" moments that I worry about, like when he needs to go to sleep and he's used to the way I cuddle and sing to him, or when he wakes up and either his dad or I go in to get him. Will he be scared to wake up and be greeted by someone else, simply because he'll be out of it and he'll forget to expect that Nana will be getting him, and not us? I worry that they won't know the little things that can soothe him, like chewing on my sweatshirt string when he's nervous, or that Nana won't prepare his food the way I do and he'll give her a hard time.
I trust Luke's parents completely, so this has nothing to do with that. It's just first time nerves, I suppose. I'm just honestly surprised that I'm reacting so extremely to it. My heart feels heavy and everything related to parenting, or Owen specifically, that I see or hear just sends me over the edge, and I start crying and pacing. I think I just need to stop focussing on this and get started enjoying my time off. I have the 2nd book in the Twilight series to read, and tons of magazines and blogs to catch up on. It'll help me to shift my attention from wallowing about Owen, to enjoying this time as I'm meant to. I just have to distract myself and then this sucky-baby feeling sorry for myself will fade. I know one thing for sure: when morning comes and I don't have to get up until I feel like it, with no guilt that Luke is up in my place, I will certainly find the appreciation for my situation rather than whatever this is I'm feeling now.
Wish me luck, and I'll certainly update later in the week. :)
2 comments:
I totally feel guilty when Jake gets up to be with Es on the weekends. He doesn't indicate that he minds but it still very nearly spoils my sleep... We've got good men looking after us, Katelyn!
And I absolutely want to hear more about your time apart from Owen. I can imagine it is a tough transition. We haven't had any amount of separation but I'm looking forward to Es learning to sleep the night so she too can have a sleepover with her Nana. I need a little time alone with my husband.
I was so miserable those first few hours - before Luke got home from work. It got much better for me once I knew Luke's parents arrived home with Owen safely. I could relax better then, and I ended up enjoying my time so much. I read two books, blogged a bit, spent a day with my girlfriend, went out to a movie with Luke, and SLEPT IN!! It was 4 days of bliss. I missed Owen like crazy, and admittedly I looked at his pictures multiple times throughout each day, but it was sooo worth it and I will absolutely do this again.
I hope you get the opportunity to do this sometime soon. It's so important to recharge and remember what it's like to indulge ourselves without GUILT!! :)
Thanks so much for commenting - it made my night to see your message. xox
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